As some of my readers know, I have a rare disease. This disease causes constant pain at some level each day, even in my sleep. That disease can knock me for weeks. The pain can basically shut me down physically. Then if it hangs around for long, at the level it is now, it takes a toll on the thinking processes. It enhances my dreams when I am afforded a few hours of rest. I have tried to read the Word and listen to the gospel music each day and it helps. I am constantly talking with the Spirit to just give me a bit of something to put in the blog. Deep down I question if what I would type would even make a tiny bit of sense. In one of my dreams, drug induced, I am sure, I was told in no uncertain terms to keep my fingers off the keyboard for this blog. I woke up and just cried. But the tears helped me to realize that I was angry.
Angry all around. The spouse was getting to go on a trip; the groceries were not bought. We didn’t have enough money in the checking to buy them and we didn’t have enough for me to even see a dental surgeon. I have things that needed to be done and the spouse just takes off. I was not even sure I was physically stable enough to walk from my bedroom to the kitchen without taking a floor kissing tumble. With no one in the home but me, it meant that I could not take the new prescription. So, I spent a few days feeling sorry for myself and gritting my teeth against the pain. Then when I thought I could handle going to the grocery, my car would not start. I was stranded until my son came to visit. He was not a happy person when he found out his father did not change out the car battery.
There is so much more that I am not putting in here that has the anger cranked up. But I am working thru the issues. I have to balance my faith, with the wrongs that have been dealt me for the last few years. I have forgiven the wrongs, but I do not think they have stopped on the person’s end of things. Also, I am having to deal with their guilt that they turn into accusations, blame, and lies. The Word tells us to forgive. Plain and simple, right? Which I have done, and you can feel a ‘but’ coming. How many times can you just carte blanche forgive? Would an ‘I’m sorry” not be nice? So, I forgive and forgive, but have never been asked to forgive. I do not forgive for them, but for my own peace. I pray that they will be touched and that I will have the strength to hang in there until it happens. Ten years is a long time.
This anger that I am working through is also anger at myself for not being able to control my outbursts. I should have been a red-headed gal, if the saying is true. What makes it all worse is when the person provokes me by saying very hurtfully things and then laughs because I react. But the last few times I remember the verses that talk about the vengeful and spiteful wife. I don’t want to be her!
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.
And another verse comes to mind just as fast. 14:7
Go from the presence of a foolish man, when thou perceivest not in him the lips of knowledge.
A friend of mine, [pastor’s wife] said she would love to read the true passage for several verses such as 19. She thinks it really means that a man who causes his wife contentiousness and anger should be sent into the wilderness to contemplate what and why he is causing his wife issues. She went so far to laughingly say that, “remember the Bible was written by a bunch of men who looked down on the female.” But she is the one that gave me verse 7.
As we talked about the book of Proverbs, we both came to the conclusion that most of it is written as cause and effects. ‘If you do this then this is what you have.’; ‘If you do good then you get rewards.’; ‘If you have everything and remember you could have nothing; then you will be more than likely to share and do good.’; ‘ If you lay on your laurels and do not work for what you have, then what you get is usually by foul means. But if you strive for what you have, you appreciate it more and will have the increase; not necessarily in goods but in grace.’ Taking this mindset, she said she reads the verse as something a man should do since he caused the strife. She said that the wilderness or the roof top, is a place for contemplation and a time for the man to grow his wisdom and to establish his apology. Also, she reminded me to read all, not just one verse. She, also, is in agreement with me that the wife can trade places with the husband if she is causing the strife. Another bit of advice was to try and inject some humor in the readings.
I was advised to think on the ‘contentious and an angry woman’ as my actions. Not the other person. By not doing as verse 7 says, ‘go from the presence,’ I am allowing myself to become the angry woman. By staying in the same room and responding to his outbursts, with outbursts of my own, just feeds the anger. Now to just put all this into practice. That is what my conversations with the Father has been about. I ask that He lets the Spirit poke me with verse 7 each time I want to respond to the accusations as they heat up.