Reading another’s blog has again helped me with a problem. I had a melt down trying to do something that my physical-self was not able to do. Reading her blog, I was able to relax enough to think through the last hour or so. And as I was reading her blog, I wanted to tell her something important. Are you ready?
We are nothing more than a jigsaw puzzle that the LORD has dumped out of the box, and He hasn’t let us see a picture of what the end result should look like!
So, not knowing what it is to be, we start on the outside pieces and start making a frame. Then we stop and take a rest to see if we can figure it out. We think if we really knew what the puzzle should be then it would be easier to put the pieces together. The only problem is all the pieces are not turned over so we can see the colors and patterns. We start with what we see face up first. Maybe we start sorting by colors. Maybe there is a set of lines that we can tell should fit together. But we try to match things that we think go together.
I am finding the longer I live that some of the pieces are not given to us at the start. Maybe the LORD holds things back for a reason, maybe we are not ready to have all the pieces in the get-go. Think: if the puzzle was 5000 pieces and it was just dumped on the table in a heap. We would take our hand and smooth the pieces out. All we did was scatter the pieces into a bigger area. Did we really accomplish anything? Well, that would depend on your problem-solving skills. What your problem personality is.
We might could put the puzzle together without the frame of the outside, but that would make it hard. Just as doing chores, fixing things, having conversations, feeling loved, or any number of things with living, we need a frame. So each step we take in our lives is a puzzle piece. It fits in somewhere in the journey, but where? Yesterday we were holding all the blue pieces and we were able to fit a few together, but we didn’t get finished. Last week we might have tried the yellow, only to find they don’t fit to each other. Maybe the yellow goes next to the green? We might have gotten frustrated and set those yellow pieces aside, wanting to toss them across the room.
Just as with today and not being physically able to complete my self-appointed task, I got so frustrated. I was crying by the time I set it aside. Not to have finished it. I literally cried to the LORD that I did not understand why now, in this stage of my life, was I not able to complete something so simple. I knew all the steps that were needed to complete the task and even went and hunted down the tools to have handy; but I just did not have the physical strength to do the task. As I have said many times I am in continual conversation with the Trinity. I sure was! as I was trying to do this ‘should have been simple’ thing. It started out with, “thank you for letting me feel like doing it”, to “Lord why is this so uncomfortable”; to “Spirit help me not cuss”; to “LORD give me the strength to not lose it”; to the questions of “why”.
I even got to the point of questioning why I am still on this planet. Yes, I was having a pity moment, because I was not able to do what I had set myself up to do. I had no help and no one to talk to about it.
With this illness people tend to forget you exist, even the ones that are supposed to be your support system. Then add that your spouse feels obligated to stay in the marriage but not be kind about it, tends to add a negative self-value to the way you feel about life and the continuation of living with daily pain.
So tonight I let it all out. Of course there was no one to hear but the Trinity. I rambled on about things like: “am I not worthy to have a simple task completed?” “Why can’t the LORD see fit to let me do this?” “ Why did I end up with the husband I chose?” All sorts of rants and ramblings, and tears. and all that goes with it. Heck, I can’t even remember half what I said. And yes, I said them all out loud! Then all the sudden I sat on my couch and tried to lay down with the blanket over me. I wanted rest; I needed rest. But would you not know it, the LORD had something different in mind. He made my bladder decide to be active. With my disease sometimes that can be disaster, so I even got mad at having to trot myself to the bathroom. Nothing like a visit in there to calm you down. Gonna get crude here, bear with me. But have you ever tried to pee and be angry at the same time? Anger and pottying do not go together. If you are tense you just can’t go. So I had to do some deep breathing and relaxing of my muscles. That gave me time to stop and think about it all. I was also laughing about how the Good LORD sees fit in calming me down.
That got me worried that I may have sinned. So I tried to replay every tidbit that slipped off my tongue. Did I cuss, blame God, even tell Him He was stupid? I do that to myself a lot, so heck, I might have done it to the LORD in my rant. But I realized I was just letting my feelings about a lot of garbage out. Rather loudly I might add, but out it came. If the LORD considers “anger” a sin then he would not have said to be slow to anger, He would have said to never be angry. If he considers being frustrated with the events in your life as a sin, he would have added some thing about it. We can read all the good writers in the Bible and what do we read. Their conversations with the LORD and they discuss disappointment, anger, fear, heartbreak and every other emotion we humans go thru. So I did a mental “shooooo,” I did not sin. But being human I like to cover all my bases. I said a quick prayer to ask for forgiveness just in case.
I just have to be like Job and remember that not all the puzzle pieces are turned over; and I sure have no clue what the final picture of my puzzle will look like. But one thing I do know is that I will need all the pieces, and I can’t toss any of the ones I have snapped together away. Each piece makes up my life and each piece is to be cherished no matter how ugly.
My prayer today: